I got this story on Facebook this week from a friend I worked with at Rohnert Park DPS, Paul Lawrence. A cop and fire fighter both, Lawrence retired in 2011 due to an duty injury.  His law enforcement career began in San Francisco Police Department (SFPD). This story comes from that time in his history.

My First DV

By Paul Lawrence

Hey Thonie, here’s one for ya! I know I’ve told u this story way back when….if I have not, I’m sorry ‘cause it’s hilarious!

It was the end of my 1st week on FTO with SFPD in the Southern district. I was tired as hell, exhausted and loving every minute of it…….. Until me and my FTO were ready to end our shift and that DV call came it @ 6am! We were looking at day shift & they were looking @ us. Of course my FTO says, “We’re a training car. Let’s go!” We respond to the luxurious Henry Hotel on 6th Street and go up to the 5th floor. There’s already 6 cops there, but as soon as my FTO tells them we’ll take it…… They all scatter like roaches!

I’m now dealing with my 1st DV. It’s not your typical DV ‘cause it’s in a crackhead hotel with 2 dysfunctional crackheads. I talk to the female first. I asked what happened and she tells me in summary: “He’s been out all night with his homies getting drunk! I was sick of waiting for his punk ass and I was hungry. I made some poke chops the other night. I know he would want the last one, but I was hungry so I ate the poke chop! When he came home all mad, he slapped me and I got all crazy!” I asked her if she was admitted to me that she had hit her boyfriend. She told me that she didn’t want to talk to me anymore and that I should talk to her boyfriend. I walked over to the boyfriend and observed a decent sized lump on his forehead. I asked him to tell me what happened and he told me the following in summary: “I was out drinking with my homies. I got messed up and when I came home, all I could think about was eating my poke chop! When I realized that my bitch ate the last poke chop, I was mad! I yelled at her and slapped her across the face!” I asked him if he was admitting to slapping his girlfriend and he said, “Hell, ya. I slapped that bitch! I’m glad I did, ‘cause what I got after that was much worse!” I asked him how he got the lump on his forehead. He told me, “After I slapped that bitch fo eating the last poke chop…… She straight up hit me upside the head wit a smoof!” I asked him what a “smoof” was and he said, “Shit, maaaaaaaan! You know? That thing you smoof your clothes out wit!” I asked him if he was referring to an iron? He said, “Ya man! An iron, a smoof……. Same shit, bro!……”

Needless to say, he was booked for 243(e)1 and she was booked for 245(a)1. Great first DV, huh?…….. The best part of this is that I wrote the report exactly how the two involved were speaking. Slang and all! My FTO and the sergeant found this to be one if the funniest reports they’d read in a long time. Before going home, my FTO looked at me and said, “You’ve already passed in my book!”

Great memory of a job I had, but can no longer perform.