By Hal Collier, LAPD, Retired
Hal is a thirty-five year veteran of LAPD. We are pleased he is sharing his stories with us.
This post should have been last week’s. It’s actually Characters #1. Hal gives a little explanation of these stories in his opening paragraph.
The following stories are true and the characters are real. I’ll use their real name or their street name as Hollywood cops knew them. Some of these characters go back to the early 70’s and some only go back a few years. I think there was a waiting list. As soon as one disappeared, the next one at the top of the list took their place. I asked some of my old partners for their input and some background of these characters. This is not my list alone. I’ll describe a Hollywood character after each short story.
I’ll start out with a short story of one of my off duty jobs. I called it “My Best Job and My Worst Job.” I worked a lot of off duty jobs, including movie premieres, the Hollywood Bowl, and private parties. Hell, I even worked a Mary Hart wedding and reception. The Hollywood Special Events Coordinator liked me and I don’t think it had anything to do with me mowing his lawn every weekend. Just kidding, but I did get a lot of good jobs.
The coordinator asked me if I wanted to work a Grand Re-opening of the Frederick’s on Hollywood Boulevard. Fredrick’s, the sexy lingerie distributor for the world. I said yes but only if I could wash his car. Again, I’m kidding. I show up at Fredrick’s in my best suit—ok it was my only suit. We meet the director of the event. He immediately gives us our paycheck and a Fredrick’s coupon worth $50 dollars. Next, the models show up. They are ten of the most beautiful women I have ever seen—next to my wife, of course.
I’m thinking this is the best job I have ever worked. I’ve already been paid, these women are gorgeous and I’m going to get to see them in lingerie, some see-through. Please don’t let me have a heart attack.
After four hours, I’m thinking this is the worst job I’ve ever worked. I got money in my pocket I can’t spend, I’m looking at women I can’t have and my feet hurt from standing on the sidewalk after a full shift of patrol. I think I still have the coupon. Terri won’t wear a thong and I’m not wearing leopard underwear with snaps.
CHARACTERS: Crazy Mary
Crazy Mary as she was known to Hollywood cops from the 70’s into the new millennium. Mary was a large breasted blond women who most days could be seen in all white clothing. That is, when Mary chose to wear clothes. Her clothes were always clean and often resembled a toga. I never arrested Mary but I saw her for 3 1/2 decades, usually on Barham Boulevard or Forrest Lawn Drive or in the Hollywood Station holding tank. Mary should have been a volleyball director at a nudist camp. She just hated wearing clothes. Every so often a radio call would be broadcasted of a naked lady with blond hair. Experienced Hollywood cops would mutter, “Crazy Mary.”
If Mary was arrested, she was brought to the station and placed in a holding tank. Mary would immediately take off her clothes and rub her breasts against the glass window. Try clearing out all the cops in the hallway outside the holding tank when Mary is visiting.
I once worked with a female probationer whose prior job was a grocery clerk at a supermarket in Studio City. She said that a young box boy from her market was fired for having sex with Mary in a car in the market parking lot. I think he was supposed to be bringing back the shopping carts. I’ll bet that box boy is now a staff officer on some police department.
2004 was the last time I saw Mary. She was living in a car on Forrest Lawn Drive near the Warner Brothers gate. She was living with a younger man who drove a motorcycle. Today I Imagine that somewhere Mary, now gray-haired, is standing in line at a bank waiting to cash her Social Security check and yea, she’s wearing all white.
At least for now.